Sprint | Holly Lau

Three, two, one—

Diagnosis, dread, radiation, HOPE, remission, RELIEF, our wedding! Reverie! Our honeymoon! More reverie! Bad nosebleed, recurrence? NO, NO, NO. Resignation. Rebound. Resolve. Relocation. New doctor and hospital and city. Dogged hope, eye removal, we’re pregnant! More rads, add chemo, both vomit, morning sickness (me), mouth sores, feeding tube, tumor shrunk! Wary hope… Baby boy! Gigantic JOY! A perfect three weeks of Jesse JOY… swollen gland, maybe nothing? Not nothing. Oh God. Oh God. Withered hope, snuffed dreams, plead with God, no answer, scream at God, WHERE ARE YOU? Dying’s hell. 

Take death by the hand, ask for help. Death tells us—let go, it’s time. Pretend this is normal. Put the baby to bed, don’t cry, brush your teeth, kiss good night, lie in bed, turn lights off, hold Cheung close, he’s asleep, watch him breathe, cheek to cheek, he’s still warm, snuggle tight, feel him leave, hear his heart—

stop.

Yue-Ting Kara Lau is a rheumatology fellow at the University of California San Francisco with interests in medical education and narrative medicine. She completed both her undergraduate and residency training at UCSF. She is the website artist for The Clinical Problem Solvers, where she works on developing visual illustrations and diagnostic schemas to teach clinical reasoning. Her writing explores identity, memory, and the human relationships that shape the practice of medicine.

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