Although many of my non-fiction stories dwell on loss, there is always a lesson to be learned or an inspiration which somehow has evolved into compassion. In “The Lingerie Shop” (Spring 2025 Intima), I recall my adolescent years when I learned about my mother’s breast cancer. I was haunted by her embarrassment and loneliness. The emotions were part of my upbringing and I lived side by side with them. It must have changed me. I attended medical school and became a gynecologist, caring for many women with breast cancer. My loss had metamorphosed into strength and compassion. My loss made me a better doctor.
Although I try to recognize lightness, humor and beauty in my writing, the hints of sadness eek their way through and change the palette. The painting “The Wish” (Spring 2025 Intima) by professor and primary care physician, Megan Gerber, spoke to me immediately. There is darkness and turbulence in the lower half of the painting. As the viewer scans to the top, there are hints of lightness. The textured areas are suggestive of nature of life but if one looks closely, there are also areas suggestive of skeletal forms. To me the image recalls a fetus papyraceous in which a fetal demise has been compressed between membranes and uterus wall. The fetus becomes mummified and resembles parchment paper. Despite the strongly underlying deep sadness one feels in the painting, there are also hints of hope as the colors and textures change. The fetus papyraceous is embedded within the placenta of a viable newborn. There is loss amidst precious new life.
After a day of seeing patients in the office, I am exhausted, yet my mind and heart are filled with evidence of growth and transition. I have seen and heard happiness, sadness, grief and struggle. This is one reason I keep practicing. It’s as if I have stepped into a painting, experiencing both darkness and lightness. I am feeling both. I am seeing life.
Colleen Cavanaugh, MD, has taken care of women in Rhode Island in her Gynecology practice for over thirty years. Before returning to R.I. to attend Warren Alpert Medical School of Brown University, Cavanaugh performed ballet and modern dance in NYC professionally. Her initial BA degree was in Art History from Wheaton College. She continues to integrate her clinical experience and lifelong artistic calling in her writing. Cavanaugh resides in Rhode Island with her husband, her dog and two cats. Her essay, “The Lingerie Shop,” appears in the Spring 2025 Intima.