Both “The Room” by Jodi Palik (Fiction/Fall 2016) and “The Last Stand” by Kelley Yuan (Studio Art) address the way children experience illness—from their unspoken fears, to their keen powers of observation, to their profound intuition about matters they may not understand. In my piece, “The Pull of Gravity” (Nonfiction/Fall 2017), I consider the long-term emotional and psychological aftermath of serious childhood illness as it played out in my family.

In her thought-provoking piece, “Dovetail,” the poet Zoe Mays reflects on the unsettled decision-making abilities of an acquaintance with cancer. “Did I say this would make sense?” summarizes the patient’s philosophy on her condition and the cacophony of chain reactions that characterize her after diagnosis.

 reading Richard Westcott’s “Bright is the Ring of Words,” in the Spring 2107 Field Notes was the watering for that seed of idea that encourages us to always listen to the story of a patient or person we are facing.

We are eye-witnesses in our capacity to behold both outer and inner landscapes. What we contemplate intentionally becomes part of our inner landscape. The mudflats of my childhood became my body–self as well as the landscape of my soul. Eyes, even in illness, become planets, gifts from God in their beauty, their elegance, their flaws and imperfections.

In Sarah Shirley’s poem ‘Wernicke-Korsakoff’ (Intima, Spring, 2017), she elucidates the dilemma of caring for a patient who is angry, non-compliant, inarticulate, hostile, confused, or otherwise “difficult”. How do we reach across the barriers that such patients present, to find an opening through which we can glean from them the information we need to take care of them, and to establish mutual trust? 

This truth became inescapable when I began my nursing career on a cancer and hospice floor. Oncology care is fraught with the observation of suffering. The desire to find meaning in pain converges with the harshness of reality. Why becomes a pervasive and agonizing question.

Life and death, as blatantly simple as they may seem from a purely physiological standpoint, are rather complex phenomena. Healthcare practitioners witness life and death a countless number of times. They are taught the intricacies of the human body: how to optimize its function and how to declare it deceased. Yet, nothing can prepare even the masters of this trade to face their own demise.

 Our verbal and written stories tie us together and promote understanding. They help us to work through traumatic experiences, to acknowledge our demons, and to heal.

Illnesses are contagious. 

We all know this, but while the frame on the bed grows ever smaller, sometimes the faces of the grieving grow gaunt as well. 

I first discovered I had Minimal Change Disease, the mildest form of nephrotic syndrome, when a routine insurance urine examination came back with higher than normal protein.  Up until then, I assumed that foamy urine was a by-product of what I’d eaten or had to drink. In Sarah Safford’s poem, “A Cute Kidney Failure” from The Intima Fall 2016 issue, she asks the same question, “Kidneys, shmidneys, who thinks about them.”  After my initial diagnosis, I did. A lot.

No one, not even someone you love, can fill the hollowness. Still you cannot walk this alone. You need a witness, an errand goer, a soft presence, a light in the hallway. Someone who brings you tea or clean clothes, whose eyes will look back into yours.

When I looked up from all the waiting rooms, I found a communion of once-strangers waiting to help me

What to do?

            In 1927, in his lecture to Harvard medical students, the terminally ill Francis Peabody M.D. provided the answer, “the secret in caring for the patient, is in caring for the patient.”

Togetherness is not artificial–it is not forced into the nooks and crannies between people. It is intrinsic to our existence as humans, no matter how fleeting the collision of our worlds. Moreover, togetherness need not be physical. We can feel connected to others even when there’s an ocean between us.

The hierarchy in medicine is impossible to ignore. Medical students shuffle, interns survive, senior residents manage, and staff attendings command. Fortunately, these relationships have evolved over the last few decades and past feelings of authoritarianism have turned into mentorship.

The sociological concept of the “sick role” may absolve patients of responsibility for causing their illness. But it does not protect them from the stigma often associated with illness. Nor does it protect them from their own feelings and thoughts.

The Room by Jodi Paik (Fall 2016) and my artwork The Last Stand both examine medicine through the eyes of a child— a perspective not yet laden with the what-if’s, should-have’s, and if-only’s that come with growing up.